Your Character Is What You Do When Nobody’s Watching

“Character is what you do when nobody is watching,” or “You are the real you when nobody is watching”—we’ve all heard a version of this saying. It’s definitely something your dad or grandma would say while doing some house chores and judging your choices at the same time. And there’s definitely truth in that.

Think about it: we’re usually on our best behavior when lots of relatives are around, we try to be the better version of ourselves at the office. We hold the door for people in a public place, we smile at our neighbor, and we return the shopping cart to the supermarket when there are people loading up their car in the parking lot next to us.

But what are we like when there are no witnesses? That’s when it gets interesting.

We All Have a Public Self and a Private Self

We all have a “public self” and a “private self.” The public self is the version of ourselves we present to the world. Usually, it’s the more confident, better version of ourselves that we present to the world. The private self is the one that we are when no one is watching, when you’re alone with yourself and don’t have to worry about what others will think.

There’s such a thing in sociology and psychology as impression management. It can be a conscious or subconscious, but either way it’s a process of attempting to control other people’s impression of us. In everyday life it can be as simple as posting cleaning content on social media when in reality their home is usually quite messy, or posting healthy recipes every day, when what they usually eat is takeout.

But don’t worry, impression management doesn’t always equal fake or bad. We all do it in some way. Think about it, we all behave differently at work than we do at home. You show up dressed for the job and act professional. But at home, who hasn’t had a bowl of cereal in their sweats at midnight?

But there’s a huge difference between having manners and putting on a mask, as true character is revealed in how we behave in everyday situations, not just in public or formal settings.

Character Is Built in the Tiny, Boring Moments

Your real character isn’t shown in big dramatic gestures. It’s not the cinematic vision of saving the day and standing up to a villain, or returning a briefcase full of money, or refusing to betray your friend in a high-stakes spy scenario.

True character really shows in much more mundane situations. It’s about telling the barista that they forgot to charge you for the extra espresso shot in your drink or making sure you throw out that candy wrapper into the trash and not just onto the street. It’s about not taking credit for other people’s ideas at work, and choosing not to be a troll online even though your account is anonymous and no one will even know it’s you who wrote that nasty comment.

These boring moments really show what your values are when there’s no reward for your actions. Anyone can do the right thing for praise or reward. Will you carry that candy wrapper or juice box with you for 30 minutes to find a trash can? Will you be honest and say that it was your colleague who came up with a smart solution when your boss already assumed it was you? The true test of character is how you act when it is inconvenient, requires more time, forces you to set aside your pride, or challenges you to avoid being petty.

And interestingly enough, that last one isn’t easy to do in the age of the internet.